24-01-2021
The Greek myth of Narcissus. Many will know this story. Many girls fell in love with Narcissus, but he was not interested and rejected everyone. He was eventually punished by the gods for this lack of reciprocity. One day he wanted to drink from a pond. He saw his reflection and instantly fell in love....with his own reflection. He became obsessed with himself. He could no longer think about anything else; he no longer thought about eating, drinking or resting. This became his downfall. When he died, his body was nowhere to be found. All that remained of him was a yellow flower: the Narcissus.
After Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) introduced the myth of Narcissus into psychiatry, the term narcissism at some point entered the DSM, the diagnostic and static manual for psychiatric disorders. Some of the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM-VI include: a limited ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; reciprocity is limited due to low genuine interest in others' experiences and foregrounded need for personal gain; excessive comparison with others to regulate self-esteem; an inflated or inferior self-image, or shifting between extremes and emotion regulation reflects fluctuations in self-esteem.
Reading these characteristics, you might imagine that making agreements in any conflict, including divorce, with a person who exhibits narcissistic traits is difficult. For partners and children, the situation is extremely difficult and harrowing. As a family lawyer, I am often warned about the other party: "He a narcissist." And also for the lawyers involved, of course, the situation is more difficult than "normal. Cases like this need a different approach and mindset. Because I am not only a family law attorney, but also a psychologist, I always see these kinds of cases as a challenge; they have my special interest. Despite the fact that I now have extensive experience in them, however, it is never easy because the client is often pulled into a fighting divorce. A fighting divorce and psychological problems often go together; both difficult issues.
How do you deal with narcissists? While studying psychology and also afterwards, I read a lot about narcissism. I also attended several webinars on narcissism by Dr. Thom van den Heuvel, a specialist in this field. The most valuable information I received about the personality disorder narcissism is an answer to the question "How do you deal with narcissists?". The answer is not unequivocal and certainly not the holy grail, but it can be used as a handle. The premise is that low self-esteem drives the behavior of narcissists. Narcissists are constantly working to maintain and monitor their self-esteem. Knowing this may also help you better understand and tolerate their behavior. In addition, it is helpful to be clear about your own boundaries, not to engage in power struggles, not to react emotionally, but to remain restrained and share as little personal information as possible. Finally, it is important that giving feedback or setting boundaries is always accompanied by a compliment or acknowledgement. This is to offset the "slap in the face" caused by the feedback, which will be taken as criticism, with a compliment or acknowledgement. In this way, the narcissist's self-esteem is not dented, which benefits the relationship.
Want to know more about narcissism? Martin Appelo, a narcissist himself, has written an instructive and interesting book (in Dutch), "A Mirror for Narcissists," in which he also formulates five basic rules about dealing with narcissistic behavior.
Are you yourself in a family law conflict with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way? Then you can always contact lawyer and psychologist Y.M. Bérénos at 071-5155843. I will gladly assist you and think with you about the best approach to the case.
